Breastfeeding Struggles

For the moment when and if the Lord blesses us with another one and I need a reminder:

Who ever said breastfeeding was easy and doesn't hurt, they are wrong. Yes, the baby is latched correctly, no she doesn't have a tongue tie. These 5 weeks have been HARD, not just with the nursing but all around. I dont remember it being this hard with Lilly, but then again maybe I have just forgotten. It has been over 2 years since she was a newborn.

I remember with Lilly that I truly enjoyed breastfeeding. I was sad when she gave it up at 10 months. In the beginning I was sore, of course I was. But it was nothing like I have experienced these past 5 weeks with Cadi. 

I think that it is because the girls are totally different with how they nurse. Lilly was low key, she liked to snuggle and her suction was not hectic. Cadi, OH MY WORD, its like she has is a  Commercial  grade Vacuum. And she isn't all that into snuggling. She likes, when she is in the mood, but seriously she would rather lay on her changing table and kick and move and look around then snuggle with mommy. 

These 5 weeks have been exhausting. I have had blisters, Thrush, bruises...I started to pump because I just couldn't take the pain anymore when Cadi and I were dealing with thrush. but pumping is EXHAUSTING. Also baby girl is allergic to Milk so I have had to cut all dairy. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it was going to be but it has its challenges. 

With her allergies she also has acid reflux and a LOT of tummy pains. So nursing, she wiggles and moves and uses me like a stretchy doll...Can you say OUCH. Its been a Challenge. I have never wanted to give up more then now. If it wasn't for my husband saying I must breastfeed her since we were blessed with a Medela Breast-pump, and its cheaper then formula. But pumping is exhausting, especially at night when i just want to crawl back into bed after getting up with Cadi, feeding her and getting my colicky little girl back to sleep.

I am hopeful that as She gets older breast feeding will get easier, but as of now Its all about pumping.

Let me just say, if you ever consider buying a Breast pump...DO NOT BUY CHEAP. Spend the extra money...its totally worth it. With Lilly we had a Tommee Tippee breast pump. It never worked (their bottles are awesome though, highly recommend them!) I barely got to work EVER. When we left Cape Town I gave it to a friend to use for her baby. I thought I just was one of those women who just couldn't pump. So when Cadi was a couple days old, I had a HUGE milk blister  and I just wanted to scream in pain...Then i got engorged and Cadi would latch, which made the pain even more worse. My doctor called me in Dr Newmans Nipple Cream ( oh my word, the best stuff EVER, its magic) and a friend bought us a MEDELA  Breast pump

Its magic. I absolutely recommend it. Like I said before I thought I wasn't able to pump, but after the first use I was SHOCKED as how effective it is.

Day 4 and start of 5 of this

Yesterday didn't go so well. She sat on the potty for a good portion of the morning, and then she had 3 accidents all with in a 30 minute period. I was frustrated beyond belief.  Needless to say, she didn't get any stickers on her chart yesterday, then yesterday evening we went out to some new friends house for supper.  So we put her in a diaper.

I am praying that we have some success today, we will have 2 days of busy Saturday and Sunday so the training will be put on hold. And we will start again on Monday...I am not expecting it to be a quick lesson, things in my life don't happen as quickly as it does for others, but I have 10 weeks before Cadi's due date, so I am hopeful that she will have the hang of it by then😃

Day 3

Today went ok, she used the potty first thing in the morning and sat on the potty off and on this morning...

She had 1.5 accidents. Both times she new something was about to happen but did make it to the potty at all the first time, the second one she started screaming and as we ran she started to pee, but we got most of it in the potty. I praised her, but the family phone calls didn't happen like they did this morning.

Tomorrow is a busy day, but we will do potty training in the morning and do what we have to the rest of the day. We might see some regression come Friday, but we will see. She is getting it...and I didn't cry today which was great. Also Saturday and Sunday I am not sure how training will go, but we will do our best.

She is also cutting a molar this week which has caused some problems with her behavior, but at least she seems to be making progress...

Day 2 of Potty Training

oh my goodness, I feel so frustrated. I don't know what to do. She doesn't seem to understand the when I need to go, she knows she has gone, but the feeling before she just hasn't gotten it. I know it will take time, but i just am so discouraged. I am not very patient. and I struggle with my emotions of feeling like a failure are running high. Its not even 10 o'clock and i am already crying. Must be my pregnancy hormones. oh my word. This is what I hate the most about being a mom! I  HATE POTTY TRAINING.

She is ready, I have seen the signs. That isn't in question. Its the teaching her the feeling she has before she has to pee or poop, that is my frustration...I just don't know how to teach that. She doesn't seem to understand the question.

Did I mention That I have already lost myself to tears, oh I have, well I need to mention it again. I am really looking forward to nap time, when I can put a diaper on her, I am frustrated beyond  and tears are just flowing, because that is how I deal with things these days is tears...

Oh LORD, please help me to help her! I can't do this by myself.

I thought today would be better since yesterday was a disaster, but I guess I was wrong...stick with it Ruth, the first few days are going to be LONG hard days, but she will get it...she is smart.  I just want a glimpse of hope that she is getting it.

We can do this

Potty training

Here we go again. 3 rd times the charm, right? I am so nervous this go around. I know Lilly is smart and she hates to be messy...

I have failed 2 other times, once I was newly pregnant, like 6 or 7 weeks and Lilly was just 2. The other, I tried a method that was suppose to work in 3 days. It was exhausting and I just emotional and felt like a complete failure. And now I have to succeed or it might be way after her 3 birthday before I am able to try again. I am hopeful, but still nervous.

Here I am, trying to do things differently. Letting her play outside, just setting a timer and trying not to stress. She is smart, and I am trying not to let my pregnancy hormones take over and I completely loose it. I have to remind myself that this will take time and just  be ready for lots of accidents... But she will get it. And when she does there will be great big rejoice

........................................................................
The morning is over with no success (4 pairs of undies later), except that she did tell me she had to poop...we sat on the potty for 10-15 minutes with nothing and 2 minutes off she pooped in her panties. I am rejoicing now that it's nap time. I am pooped from trying to get her to use the potty. Praying she sleeps for several hours and then we will try again til dinner time.

I think tomorrow might be more of a play inside day and a more ritual sitting, but I still have to expect accidents or I will be so discouraged.

"How to Encourage your Husband"

In January 2012 Gary and I went to a Pastors conference outside of Cape Town. We were not even married a year yet, and I was 7 months pregnant with Lilly. At the end of the Conference they have a Q & A session. I had asked the 3 Pastors (Jeff Gage, Steve Lawson, and Carl Muller) how their wives best encourage them in their ministry, Gary was interning at a Church whose was without a Pastor, and Gary was trying hard to learn how to deal with all the stresses of ministry without a mentor. Only one actually had his wife with him so he passed the Question on to her. Heather Muller gave a great List of how she prays for her husband and encourages him. I asked afterwards if she would email me the list. I have given the list to several of my friends who are about to get married, but Its such a great list I want it on here for others to read. (Its written in a pastors wives perspective, but can be applied to any wife)

1.  Don't neglect your own personal walk with the Lord

Be disciplined in your Bible reading and prayer life.  We don't want to be "high maintenance women".  We want to be holy women. Our husbands have enough high maintenance women in the church.  When we neglect prayer, Bible reading and a close walk with God - our roles as wives, mothers and church members are hindered.

2.  Pray for your husband.  Daily!

Carl is the first item on my prayer list.  I pray for Carl as he grapples daily with scripture that it would be fresh and alive.  I pray that the Lord would open up the scriptures to him.  I pray for "unction" in his preaching.  That we might as a congregation experience the "romance" of preaching as Lloyd Jones said.  I pray that God would make bare his arm and save sinners.  I pray that the Lord would give Carl love, compassion and patience for the flock.  I pray for moral purity in his life as pastors fall morally around us.  I pray that he would fulfill his duties as a husband and father to his children.  I know as he ascends into the pulpit week in, week out, that God's Spirit must attend his preaching.  I asked four godly women in Canada to bathe this trip to South Africa in prayer.  I gave them several items to pray for.  One of them was the Spirit's help in preaching at the conferences.  I believe their prayers were heard.

3.  Fulfill your God given role as mother and wife so that your husband doesn't need to waste his time in doing yours for you!  If possible and if God blesses your with children, be a keeper at home.  Strive to maintain an orderly, comfortable home.  Relieve your husband from as much as you can of the affairs of the home so he can have time with yourself and your children when his work is done.

4.  Be a friend to your husband.

The ministry can be a very lonely place!

5.  Make your home a haven.

Make it a place that he is thrilled to come home to.  Set a good tone in the house.  Make it cozy and attractive and orderly.  Make it a place where he can relax and be hiI mself.  It's a good idea to not always be talking about the church all the time.  Your husband needs a break to just be a normal human being!  I make it a practice to not ask about the details of elders and deacons meetings or counselling sessions.  

6.  Encourage your husband verbally.

I've told Carl this last year that I think his preaching has improved since he started teaching homiletics.  I have told him when I have been blessed by a sermon or when others have told me that they have been blessed by his sermon.    I've told him that I think he was wise in the way that he handled this or that...

7.  Here's a good one...that makes Carl laugh without fail.  I just need to ask,  "And how are YOU doing?"  Our husbands give, give, give,...Some people frankly just use them and couldn't care less about them and the godly advice they give.  They are watching over their flock's souls  24/7. It's a huge, momentous task.  Very few people will ask how they are doing.  So, you ask them as their wife.

8.  I saved a classic from a godly elder in our church who is in his 80's.  He shared with our congregation when Carl came on as a full time pastor in the 1998 what MY role was...

His words were, "Heather's role will be to peel him off the ground when times are tough!"    Keep a close eye on your husbands.  I've had to peel Carl off the ground on a few occasions.  The ministry is a high calling.  Ministers have clay feet.  Who is sufficient for the task.

Be what God intended us to be - Helpmeets!

May the Lord bless each one of you tomorrow as you labour in your corner of the vineyard.

With warmest of love,

Heather Muller

I just love this list, and as Gary is not in full time ministry at the moment, but studying to be soon, I look at this list in a different light, but it is still true no matter what your husband does.

Destin 2014

On Saturday we got back from 6 days at the beach. It was great.

Gary and I weren't really sure that we would be able to take a family vacation this year. We hadn't budgeted for it and we weren't sure about his work since Cadi is due in the fall, and we just didn't know if he got leave or not or if he was going to have to take his vacation for that.

My sister in laws family owns a home in Destin, and Philip and Sarah were going down for 2 weeks. They invited us to join them one of those weeks. My parents and my sister, Gretchen's family were going down for one of those weeks staying at a different house, so we decided it would be great to go when they all go.

It was a great time. Even though Lilly thoroughly detested the beach, she loved the Pool and we used every day but the one in which it rained the entire day.

Gary, growing up in Cape Town is not use to the calmness of Gulf of Mexico, but I think he enjoyed himself.

I enjoyed myself, even though going to beach as a mommy of a Toddler and 7 months pregnant is WAY different then 8 years ago(which was the Last time I was in Destin).  I didn't do a lot of reading or sitting on the beach like I would of liked, but I did  get some sun, but when you have a Husband and a daughter who can look at the Sun for 5 mins and become like a Native, this fair skinned girl gets jealous. We really did enjoy ourselves and we are grateful for Philip and Sarah opening up a week of their vacation for us to join them.

Terrible Twos or mommies sanctification

Lilly is generally a good girl, she is creative and funny and is usually imagining something...I think she takes after me in that regard. It use to take me hours to do a chore because I was in my own little world. I love that she plays so well by herself. She is very gifted and funny. 

BUT, lately I have been dealing with her throwing herself on the floor or just crying because she is not getting her way. I do not want to be raising a child who feels entitled, but one who understands that life isn't fair and that things don't always go the way we want them to, but understands that Mommy and Daddy love her so very much and always wants what is best for her. It's so hard to discipline sometimes...maybe it's just because I am 7 months pregnant and tired already or because I don't want to crush her spirit and the sweetness she has naturally.When I pray at night with her, I generally pray that the Lord would help me to discipline without exasperating her. I  know that I must discipline her as proverbs says "so she won't die". I must obey the Lord, and he commands me to raise and discipline and teach my children in the way they should go. I know I lose my temper and yell and I know that doesn't help...I am not perfect. I have read many Christian parenting books, but sometimes SIN just creeps in, and I act out selfishly, just like she does when she is not getting her way, than I have to apologize.

As I said she is smart, she can speak and she talks A LOT (what girl doesn't) so I have been trying to tell Lilly to use her words instead of pitching a fit when something is not working the way she wants it to. I think I have to remind myself of that. Take a deep breath, don't speak until you can talk in a calm voice...but I don't always succeed...parenting is definitely a form of sanctification.Or it is at least in my life.

Contentment in Life

Last night as I laid awake with legs aching and a 6 month pregnant tummy that does not allow me to find very comfortable positions, listening to the deep breaths of Gary sleeping soundly and the monitor whirling; I couldn't help but think about how far we have come.

We have been married over 3 years, Lilly is now 2 and Cadi is expected to arrive early October. I am grateful to the Lord for his many blessings on our life, my life.

This time 4 years ago I was searching for contentment in being single. I was 28 years old, never been in a relationship and now I was on the Mission field working with children. I assumed that these children were the children that I had prayed for, and I loved and still do love them. I felt like Esther in the Sara Groves song

Along with a lifetime, Africa called
She went for the first time, it grew in her heart
All of the children, so many children

Now Esther has 2.4 million children
She writes us and asks us to pray for them all

 I was sure God had called me to life of singleness. Even though a friendship was blooming with a South African Guy, I tried hard to not think anything of it; I mean I have had LOTS of friendships with Guys that was just that friendships. RIGHT?  I was so wrong. Gary was not just another Guy, he was the GUY that I had been praying for since high School.

In 2001, at my brothers Rehearsal Dinner, my sister-in-laws dad told Mary that the day she was born they started praying for her husband.  I took that to heart and started praying for the man that Lord had put on earth for me. Little did I know that that man was half way across the world and a new believer at that time.

God raised Gary up to be a godly man.  And I am grateful to the Almighty that he has blessed me with such a man. I am not saying that these 3 years have been easy. They have no, but they have been great.  I do understand why divorce rates are as high as they are, but within our selfishness and sin if we do not love the other more than ourselves then a marriage will fall apart ( 1 Corinthians 13). We have had our fights, but by Gods grace we work through them…with lots of tears (mostly on my part) and yelling and fighting for our marriage. When you put 2 sinners under one roof it can be hard. But you have to be willing to work through the issues.  

Communication is what we have found to be key to keeping up together. We highly recommend for any couple getting engaged or courting the book “No Longer 2”. It helped Gary and I learn to talk to one another and be open and honest about stuff, even if it might hurt the other. Often we think that we are communicating, but men and women communicate so differently, so it is helpful to learn how to make sure you understand the other. I often hear my sister and her husband say to one another “What I hear you saying is this…” I think that is Key, to make sure you understand. Gary and I have had conversations where we have to say, “I don’t understand” to where the other has to explain his/her side once again, or until both are on the same page.

Marriage is hard, But wonderful all at the same time.  I am grateful for my husband and my little family, but singleness was also great. Where I now have to think about 2 other people in my decisions, I use only have to think about myself.

 I highly recommend for those girls who desire a husband, but still haven’t met their prince read the book “Lady in Waiting”. It’s about finding contentment in singleness and having a deeper stronger relationship with the Lord and how it is more important than finding a husband. And if it is HIS desire he will bring that one in your life when time the time is right.

No matter if you are single or you are married, being content is Key. As a wife don't put your husband before GOD, but if you are single do not put the ideal of a spouse so HIGH up that you also neglect to put GOD first in your life. 

Joy of Movement

a pregnancy after a miscarriage can be so scary and stressful. I have tried hard to be positive and let the joy of a new life growing inside be something to rejoice about. But these 18 weeks have been hard. We have had a lot of scary moments and a LOT of joyous ones.

I might be in my second trimester, but morning sickness didn't completely get the memo that it was suppose to be gone by now. But its not that bad; its only occasionally...I mean I did have to run out of the church service on Sunday morning, but that in of itself is a blessing and a curse. I mean I hate being sick, but if that means my baby is growing and is healthy I will take it.

Another Scary thing was I started bleeding at about 13 weeks, FREAKED ME OUT...went to the Doctor and he discovered I had developed placenta Previa...It usually takes several months to heal and correct itself, but by Gods grace the bleeding stopped almost immediately and at our 16 week check it seems to have corrected itself, which is much faster than predicted.

In the last two weeks I have started to feel the little one move around and it has been wonderful. My stomach is expanding so much faster than it did with Lilly (even though my weight gain hasn't been much) It just that my muscles know what to do this go around and I have such a tiny torso that out is all it can do and ALSO this baby is already bigger than Lilly ever thought about being. I mean She is right on the mark size wise, we might have a 7lb new born, imagine that. I saw a friend at the Drs office a couple of weeks ago and she is due in July, Me October...and I swear I look much bigger than her, but then again she is Tall and skinny; Her little one has plenty of room to expand inwardly. 

We are excited about this little one...and I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and nurse her at my breast. and Even though Lilly doesn't quite understand that there is a baby in my tummy, she is already a great help and she is BABY obsessed. We kept Rheya Kemp one day last week and all Lilly could talk about was the Baby, she wanted to hold and hug the baby...I think this poor little one will be getting so much LOVE from her Big sister she wont know what to do. 

Lilly's 2 year old Photo Shoot

My best friend from College is a great Photographer. She is very artsy and you can just tell how much she loves to take photo's. We asked her to take our Family photo's last October for our Christmas Card, and we had never gotten Lilly's photo's professionally done before. I studied photography in school, so I always did them, but its so nice to have someone else take them and you can just enjoy the experience, and I also got to spend time with a DEAR friend. Here are a few of my favorites.

Thanks Rachael Kulick! We love them, and Come October it will be a Family of 4 photo Shoot for Christmas!

Fear and Joy

Today I feel fearful.

We are expecting once again, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I have made it past the scary part and I am now in my 2nd trimester and 14.5 weeks pregnant. Last November was the hardest thing that has ever happen to me, to us. I dont want to go through another miscarriage. (who does right?)

But today, all day I have heard the lies being whispered into my ears that Dr Scott wont be able to find a heartbeat on Friday. Even though, every appointment up to now has been great and the baby is growing well, I just fear that I will experience that dreaded appointment once again. I want to be excited about this little one, I want to be Joyful that the Lord has blessed my womb once again. But I fear. (and all this could be do to the fact that I have not slept well in several nights, due to Gary being gone for two and a horrendous sore on my tongue that makes swallowing hard...I don't recommend biting your tongue. But in sleep deprivation is when its the hardest to fight those lies)

This passage keeps popping up into my life over the past 5 or 6 years

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
3 “For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

I know that the Lord has all things under control, and that he has this baby in his hands, but I still fear. I can't wait to be reassured on Friday, after hearing that heartbeat and knowing all is well. and MAYBE we can find out what we are having. I know that GOD is Sovereign, Holy, Just, Merciful, and Kind. And I know he loves his children. I pray that My fears are calmed and that Satan will no longer snuff out that Joy by the whispers of lies that fill my heart and head.  

I seek to find Joy in this little miracle  that God is knitting together in my womb

Dora and Lilly's Second Birthday

Lilly turned 2 somewhere between the 28th and the 1st...With her Birthday as a Leap Year we chose to celebrate on the 1st since I was technically in labor on the 28th but She wasn't born til the next morning.

Lilly has a slight obession with Dora the Explorer. With that obession I decided I would make her a Dora Cake. With lots of research, since I had never made a fancy cake before, I finally got a simply pattern to do, which could very possibly the way I will make all other cakes in the future.

Ezra's Birthday is the 28th of Feb so we they shared Sunday's Caines Bday Party. Lilly wasn't so sure about the Caines rendition of Happy Birthday and practically jumped in Mollee's arms. (when Mollee is around no one else matters)

 The 2 Birthday Kids

 The Family with the cake, Lilly was so tired until she got a piece of cake

 She got all things Dora or baby dolls.

 Her new "Tablet" that is Dora, you can see her expression "OOOOOOHHHHHHH"

 The Books that go with the tablet reader, and Poppie and Grandma showing her how it works.

IT was a fun day overall , but exhausting.

I took Lilly for her 2 yr check today. Lets just say she is tiny. She is 20lbs and 30 in tall. Right at the bottom of the the scale...but she has ALWAYS been at the bottom.

Decoding Lilly

Lilly talks a lot, but you have to understand her language in order decode the meaning...I don't always understand, but for the most part I get the idea.

"mom" is my mom Lilly's grandma
"poppie" is grandpa
"meaw" is memaw, Gary's mom
"Dretch" is Gretchen
"Moo moo" or "moallee" is Mollee
"saiah" is  Isaiah or any harris boy
"boys" really any of her male cousins
"sushi" Lucy
Apple is all fruit
"Where'd go" where did it go?
"juice" is all liquids in a cup or Shoes

"Het" Heather

"Mac" Mac or Malachi

"Op" Open

"Peas" Please

"Awf" Off

"Pop" Lollypop Which she associates with Aunt Dretch :)

Nigh Nigh- Night night

I am sure there are so many more, but I just can't think of them all right now

Polar Vortex

Tuesday morning I set out for Wal-Mart. There were a few flurries, but didn't think much of it. In the 10 min drive the snow on the road wad getting thicker. I ran into the store and by the time I came out 15 mins later the parking lot was white. I drove home...I got up our hill(if it had been 15- 20 mins later I wouldn't of been able to get up it). Jason my brother in law was 15 mins behind me and he didn't make it the hill. I was nervous for Gary, this was only his second time seeing snow let alone his first time having to drive in it. I called him at work told him schools were closing and he might need to come home before the roads were to bad. He finally left and it took him an hour and a half to get home (better then Jason did picking up the kids from school, his round trip was 7 hrs total). On Tuesday, Gretchen and the kids went sledding so I took Lilly out as well. She was not a big fan of the cold or snow, we only were out for an hour, but I enjoyed hanging with sister's and their kids. It's great being back.

Battle of the Wills.

Proverbs 13:24 "whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him"

We were at a standoff, me and my daughter. Then Poppie came and saved the day.

Lilly had a bowl of cereal that she was carrying up the stairs. She let go with one hand and all the cereal spilled out onto the floor. Lilly, who doesn't like mess was distraut. I bent down to help her and realized I was the one doing the work. I asked her to help, that is when the battle of wills took place. And for 20 mins it was a showdown. After 5 mins of me asking her to pick it up, her screaming, then me having to implement discipline, I knew that if I gave up then she had won. So for the next 15 mins the process continued. All the while I was praying that God would help me stick to my guns and help me to discipline in a way that is pleasing to the Almighty.  After 20 mins I felt I was loosing my temper and by Gods grace my dad was home. I called him down stairs, he sat down instructed her to obey and clean up. She did, a little hesitant, but she obeyed.

My mom told me afterwards "wonder who she takes after" I was that kid...I remember clearly sitting on the counter, my mom trying to get me to take my antibiotics, me refusing. Mom called dad, who was in St Louis working on his doctorate, he disciplined me over the phone, and I took the medicine. Looks like
Lilly has my strong will.

Lord help me to be a loving mother, a mother who doesn't squash Lilly's warm loving confident personality, but a mother who loves you more and who needs to obey your word and raise Lilly in the way she go.